Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Things I Was Never Prepared For...

Before having children I took baby classes to prepare me for childbirth...some things you just can prepare for...

 - Hemorrhoids!  I apologize for starting this post off with such a horrific thing but I might as well dive into the deep end off the bat!  Now, I had heard that hems were a possibility through childbirth but nothing, I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for mine.  Gigantic, painful, throbbing bulges between my cheeks for a few weeks.  As if post-partum pooping wasn't scary enough, try it with hems.  UGH, AWFUL!! 

- Breast feeding: Why on Earth isn't this easier?  I will just come out and say it.  Breast feeding didn't work for me.  Now, I know this could start some Mom Wars but truly it did not work for me.  I was told by nurses that my large breasts would make it more challenging (I thought big, bountiful,l milky boobs were a good thing) and I had flatter/inversion issues with my nipples.  I guess I always thought that I had pretty 'normal' breasts (no previous complaints) but through the whole process, learned otherwise.

- Baby Den: I am referring here to the 'pocket' of excess skin hanging from what used to be my very average stomach.  I affectionately (or rather) acceptingly refer to it as my BABY DEN.  I learned with my first child that with some of us lucky mothers, this beauty never really goes away.  Healthy eating, exercise, body wraps, toning lotion, Weight Watchers, HCG drops, Plexus Slim...nothing gets rid of this completely.  You may consider high waisted jeans to tuck your den into.  I totally understand Mom Jeans now!

- Peeing Pants:  Yes, you will definitely uncontrollably pee your pants.  Perhaps as a result of sneezing or doing squats and especially during my favourite cardio - jumping jacks.  Poise commercials make a lot more sense to me now.

- Emergency:  Your baby will cry for reasons you don't understand - rashes will appear that don't go away - diarrhea will ensue - allergies may rear their head - hand, foot, mouth disease - slap cheek - bronchitis - pneumonia - etc. will cause you to make several trips to emergency at god awful hours of the night.

- Sleeping Alone:  You are your partner will likely no longer share the same bed for many, many months.  (ie) his snoring wakes the baby, you share feeding times, you're too uncomfortable in your bed now etc.  Very romantic.  Sexual encounters will be scheduled ahead of time!

- Hair: As if my hair could get any just did!  Good thing I lose a baby kitten worth of hair every day.  We find my hair in EVERYTHING.  Even though my hair is tons thicker since babies, I lose it every moment of the day.  It's nicely woven into the couch creating a whole new look - no need for reno's. In babies diaper, on breakfast, lunch and dinner plates and my personal favourite, coating the bathroom floor.  We now have a permanent hair mat!

- Mom Wars:  for this reason I choose not to belong to any new mom groups.  You will find that something so many new moms like to do is compare their babies.  From sleeping patterns, to rolling over, crawling, walking, poop colour, consistency, smell etc.  I especially love encountering the moms who are below their pre-pregnancy weight and continue to talk about how much their body will "never be the same".  At which time I like to introduce them to my Baby Den.

- Tired:  I am exhausted....always.  I have been this way since August 26, 2011.  Just face it, you will feel this way for the next 20 years.

- Personal Hygiene:  I promised myself that I wouldn't be the mom who let herself go.  Now, I still believe I haven't done that but some days any priority that has to do with me just won't make it into the day.  There will be days that you do not brush your teeth.  That's right, for the entire day and yet you will still go out and encounter people.  Showering will be less frequent, you will wear the same clothes for more than one a row. 

- Cold Food:  You will learn to eat when you get the chance and it will likely always be cold.  You may even microwave your cup of coffee a 1/2 a dozen times a day.

- Cleaning:  I can never seem to get on top of anything.  There just aren't enough hours in the day to possibly get 'caught up'.  The mountains of laundry will just inevitably exist.  Hence the latter part of Personal Hygiene. 

and lastly...

- True Love:  You will experience a deeper kind of love.  One you have truly never felt before.  A love that you feel in the pit of your core, that makes you feel more connected, more human than ever.  A love that you have longed to feel without even knowing it.  It will bring you peace and joy and uplift you to a euphoric level that no one can duplicate.  For you have created something truly beautiful in this world - something that makes everything I've mentioned above worth it and so much more!