Thursday 12 December 2013

Inner Demon

For those who know me well, some of this may not come as a shock but to many what I'm about to share may be difficult to read and understand.  I've decided to finally and genuinely commit to working on improving my view of myself.  I've never really understood the term "self-esteem".  In theory I assume it's all about establishing a vision of one's self to the highest or at best a positive esteem.    I can see how that pertains to everyone around me, but there has always been a disconnect to the definition and how it makes sense for me. I'm not sure that I can say that I have low self-esteem because that would suggest that I actual see some self worth which sadly I do not.

EEERCH!  hold up, put on the breaks here.  I'm sure that some of you may be thinking - how can she say/think that - this is awful - (and my personal favourite)....how can you think that way when you have so much and there are so many other people worse off?!  Don't get me wrong, I know how awful these views are and I am very cognizant of those worse off.   Just the other day my mom said to me "at least you don't have cancer"...in which I replied "True mom, but what you don't understand is that THIS is my cancer".  It's time that I stop minimizing my demon, pretending it will just go away and pushing it deeper in my subconscious ready to rear its ugly head at any moment.    

So, I've racked my brain trying to figure out where these views come from.  Honestly, I can't pin point a childhood 'event' or 'experience' that caused me to - for lack of a better term- hate myself.  But for as far back as memories take me I can remember "never being good enough".  I've never been skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc.  I don't believe that anyone is born to HATE so somehow, throughout my journey I have LEARNED to hate myself.  I have begun opening up to a therapist about my demon as undoing/altering 30 + years of self-hatred requires professional assistance.  I'm not sure why it took me so long to get 'help'.  Perhaps because I thought it would get better with time or I'd like myself when I became skinnier, prettier, smarter?

Now that I have two, incredibly remarkable daughters I know that moments of questionable self-esteem are inevitably in their futures.  But I never want them to experience the self-hatred I have battled for as long as I can remember.  I want them to grow up believing that self-worth is cultivated through developing compassion and empathy for others, validating the importance of what makes you happy and following your passions, learning that it is okay to feel bad sometimes and that your place in this world matters!  I need to learn to love myself in order to teach my girls to do the same.

I know that learning to change my views of myself and lessen my demon is going to be quite the feat.  There is a long endeavour ahead - I venture one step at a time - and I choose to TRUST THE JOURNEY.

 

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